I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
