I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I use my feet as sexual weapons
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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