I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
