I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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