you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
