Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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