4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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