things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
