planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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