I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
