I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
