I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
