i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
