I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
