Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
