I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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