i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
