The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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