I am spending my child support on dildos
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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