I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
