You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
