Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize