Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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