just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
