He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
