eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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