So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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