I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
