there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
