I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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