Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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