two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
