I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
we should paint friendship bongs
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