her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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