Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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