I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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