You're a womanizer and a bitch.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
