Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize