I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize