What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So apparently I’m into choking now
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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