U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
