moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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