Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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