I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Randomize
