I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
