i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
