Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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