this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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