I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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