At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
