There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I am spending my child support on dildos
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
