An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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