she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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