Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
