What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
