I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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