lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
