I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
i now understand why vodka
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
