You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
