Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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