No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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