A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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