I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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